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My DH is wonderfully supportive, but I wonder how much he really suffers due to my diagnosis of being infertile. He’s a ‘real man’ and has never cried in front of me. Ever. He’s always my pillar of strength.

When I told him in Jan that I’m late and possibly pregnant, he was so excited! (It turned out to be a chemical pregnancy.)

I feel like I’m letting him down. (We still need to check his side, of course.)

He’s so sweet, he said that if I feel too humiliated to say I’m IF, he’ll tell those pesky snoops we can’t have kids cause he’s done a few km’s too many on his bike.

I actually don’t want to talk too much to him about infertility. I much prefer to spend my time with him talking happiness and laughing. He can always get me to laugh.

He’s actually away at the moment and I’m counting the sleeps – only 3 more..

Since getting the dx of IF and severe endo three weeks ago, I’ve been awake every night for about 3 or 4 hours somewhere between 1 am and 6 am. I first thought it was only because of the pain after the laparoscopy, but it’s no longer that.

So I’m lying in the gloomy darkness every night trying to think ‘rainbows, ponies and happiness’ while some bleak scenarios of IF and endo race through my mind.

Statistically, my chances of taking a baby home someday seems (according to the studies of severe endo and combined with my age factor) much much less than I ever had for a test or exam, yet all of a sudden this is the only ‘test’ that matters to me now. I so hope to be one of those lucky statistics!

Guess I’m kinda depro and struggling to deal with this new hand I’ve been dealt. I’m permanently on the brink of tears, which is the main reason I can’t get myself to tell my friends of my IF – I’m terrified I’ll start sobbing like a 2- year old, which is so not me.

Ai, this really is lonely road.

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