I’m still not really sure what happened. It was after 8 months of ttc..

It was the first month I used an ovulation prediction kit. After getting the surge, we had giggling, optimistic BD.

Lo and behold, AF didn’t come as per schedule. Up to then, she’s never been more than 3 or 4 days late in the previous 20 years.

My luteal phase was holding out, holding out.. DH was starting to look really happy and went out to buy some of the sweetest little baby clothes. I was sending him e-mails and love from me and the MaybeBaby.

We were still worried, since the HPTs didn’t want to play along. My GP wasn’t too worried though. She said she had a woman that same week whose bloods only turned positive at week 6..

I started feeling 100% pregnant: I would wake up twice in the night to go pee. I felt emotional, weepy and got hopping, steaming mad at anybody who did anything as ‘terrible’ as say, parking badly and across two spaces. I would unbutton the top button of my jeans when nobody was looking.

Then, on day 25 of my luteal phase (CD 39 only), it was DH’s birthday. I was hoping to surprise him with a positive blood test that day..

Instead, AF turned up. It was horrible and I was doubled over in agony all night and all day. I called in sick and spent the day (Friday) and the weekend in bed with a hot water bottle, bawling my eyes out.

Who knows what went wrong? Why didn’t I ever test positive? Will it happen again? Does my body not make it possible for a LO to implant properly? I mentioned to my FS that I think I’ve had an m/c, but he didn’t have answers as to why I didn’t test positive.

It’s hard to mourn the loss of a little one that was maybe not even ever there.

On the other hand, I’ve been doing a little bit of that every month since we’ve started ttc in any case.