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Not this month then, FS just called.

I’m going home now, will have a ‘lekker’ cry and get that over with.

Looking on the bright side, at least everything went very well up till the final result. So although I’m 0% pregnant after this cycle, we’ll just do take 2 next month using the same recipe.

My first ever beta test is spinning in a machine right now!

It’s 14 dpo and I feel totally pregnant. But OK fine, every previous month I’ve felt like just like this – but it was always only a matter of time before AF got onto that menstrual cycle and ran my ass over.

So this morning, DH and I had the following conversation over breakfast:

Me: What if it’s a BFN, as is most likely the case according to the stats?

Him: Hmm, I’ll have to give you a hiding then.

Me: Why would it be my fault?! Surely a BFN might as well be due to your wonky sperm?

Him: I gave it 25 million shots this month. And you? (Hmm, hard to compete with that. I had ‘only’ 4 follies .)

Me: True. But what if none of your boys find the way to those eggies and they’re too silly or proud to ask for directions?

Him: They’ve got GPS.. 😀

He got me there and I was by then laughing too much to even try and think of a comeback line!

I saw that you updated your signature on the forum to show that this month’s ZIFT ended in a BFN.

Driving to work in the Cape of Storms this morning, I pictured how you’d have received that result in a sunny, warm Durban. And I thought to myself how terribly unfair it was.

Firstly, it should of course have been BFP. Secondly, when you received that BFN, then at the very least the wind should have been howling and raging – like it is now outside my office window in Cape Town. The skies should have been weeping, soft drizzle and torrents of rain in turn.

Yet, I know that if a star fell from the sky for every BFN or AF’s visit that’s ever shattered a woman’s hope, then the night sky would be dark and empty. So we make the most of everything we still have, while fighting the darkness and emptiness that’s stuck inside.

You’re such an strong woman, dear friend. Your ability to hang onto hope and continue soldiering on always amazes me.

Take care of yourself, your DH and the hope that I know still lives in your heart.

I’m so sorry it didn’t happen for you this month.

Phew, ever feel like you’re not gonna survive the 2ww this time round?

I’ve been fine on Clomid, the Ovidrel didn’t bother me, but I those damned Utrogestan tabs.. Ever since I first saw those pills, I’ve been ravenously hungry and thirsty. By now, I’m both nauseous and hungry most of the time.

I have heartburn, but maybe that’s because I’m constantly craving (and devouring) olives, capers and the vinegar pickle they come in. Yesterday I left home late for work, but still had to stop to pick up yet another jar of olives on my way to work. I finished half of it before I even reached the office. (Without getting too much oil on my steering wheel, I’m proud to say.)

I POAS this morning at 11 dpo. And it’s just too early, right? Right?

I’ve already got my luckiest panty laid out for when I go for the beta on Friday, but to be honest: if my chances are 15% for this IUI cycle (let’s be optimistic and forget about my age!), it’s still easier to imagine 85% happening than 15%!

It breaks my heart when my DH prays every night that I be pregnant by Christmas so we can have a happy time with the family.

Some articles to show where I’m coming from:

Also, just google eight glasses of water study if you’re looking for more evidence..

If drinking lots of water works for you, then great! But..

I like to think that my body is usually smart enough to tell me when it’s hungry, thirsty or tired.

So unless I’m ill, taking modern meds (like progesterone at the moment) or have another health concern, I just listen to my body to decide how much to eat, drink or sleep.

OK, sadly the last one (sleep) doesn’t always work out the way my body would like. Also, I have been eating more than I wanted recently to try and pick up some weight – though it seems very strange to stuff yourself when you’re not hungry!

I often don’t drink a single glass of water in a day. I do eat fruit and drink at least 2 cups of Rooibostee. It just doesn’t make sense to me to force liters of water down my throat. (Though fruit juice and cool drink is a much worse sin, so rather go for water than those!)

Drinking litres of water is a very modern concept – as is the level of obesity found in the modern developed world if you think about it. I seriously doubt that humans have evolved in the presence of litres of water per day. Considering the lifestyle of the San in the Kalahari for example, I can’t believe the human body needs 2 litres of water in addition to the water found in the food we eat.

I did try drinking 2L of water per day some years ago, but I felt no healthier. In fact, I seldom get a cold, but had more of these during my (unscientific) ‘experiment’.

I actually think too much water is a bad idea.

It probably flushes water soluble nutrients from your body the same way that overwatering the sandy soil of a Cape Town garden is a bad idea. Now you need to consume more vitamins to keep up (obliging consumers that we are).

Also, who knows how many chemicals are found in our drinking water today? And I trust bottled water even less, considering it’s been sitting stagnant in a little plastic (!) bottle that’s harmful to the environment for who knows how long. (My DH’s lab is involved in the testing of bottled water – scary.)

The other day, my dad (a physician) mentioned that he has recently seen some strange cases of kidney pathology among patients who drink ‘too much’ water. Frankly, I’m not surprised that kidneys could have a hard time keeping up if someone is constantly overhydrating.

I can’t help wondering how many of the articles in magazines saying you need to daily drown yourself in water come from the bottled water industry??!

These are just my thoughts. If you feel healthier when you drink lots of water, then guzzle away! Also, if you’re thirsty enough to need 2 liters of water day, then don’t drink any less.

P.S. And don’t even get me started on that whole ‘detoxing’ nonsense! What a lot of hooey. 😡

The past 4 nights, I woke between 2am and 4am due to hunger pains! So I think I’m getting into the habit of raiding the fridge every night. How unlike me! And by the time I wake up for breakfast, I’m ready to stuff my face again!

I’m simply feeling hungry and thirsty all the time. I even packed myself more lunch today than I’ve packed my tall, ripped DH.

So last night whilst wolfing down a packet of Simonsberg smoked salmon cream cheese (yum!), I asked Dr Google for his opinion and found this interesting (if long and geeky) article on progesterone, weight loss and diet: research article on influence of menstrual cycle on weight and diet

My FS prescribed Utrogestan during my 2ww as progesterone supplement, so it must be this hormone that’s cranking up my appetite to such monsterous proportions?

Since I suspect I’ve had multiple very early losses already (the 4 or 5 luteal phases of between 15 and 25 days I’ve had in the past) I’m hoping that the extra progesterone’s going to help out this month’s little bean. And maybe I’ll even put on some weight. 🙂

Last Thursday (the night before my 1st IUI), I came home to find my solid rock of a DH completely freaked. He panicked they’d have a mix up in the lab (he’s a lab rat himself) and we’d end up with a kiddie of the wrong race or something.

DH wanted to call the whole thing off! I called my dear FS at 9 pm and he listened patiently, came up with various solutions and calmed us down.

I think the tantrum was in part due to DHs internal struggle to cope with the situation. When I stood in front of my closet Thursday night, as always muttering to myself that I have nothing to wear the next day, DH piped up from the side: “You should wear your sexy, black teddy. I always wanted you to wear that when we conceive our first child..” So I held him tight as we laughed at the little joke and cried at the loss of one dream and the birth of another.

Friday was plain sailing and the procedure was over in the wink of an eye. (No, I didn’t wear that teddy!)

Amazingly, instead of scurrying off to answer e-mails afterwards, my sweet FS started chatting. We were talking about Sharon’s terrible loss, life, our jobs, God, dreams, disappointments..

When we glanced at the watch, more than 30 minutes had already passed. I got up feeling relaxed, hopeful, counselled and in awe of my FS. I called DH and reassured him that everything will be fine, one way or another.

Who knows whether I have a tummy full of triplets or no LO at all? Although the wait is on and the pressure is likely to start increasing soon, DH and I had grateful hearts and enjoyed a blissful weekend in the Karoo.

P.S. Please note that the reason I mentioned that popping a kiddie from a different race would be a problem, is that just imagine the amount of crap we’d get from everybody if that were to happen? Especially if we were less than open about how we got that BFP before the birth..

I think something that often helped me to be successful in life (meaning as relatively successful/unsuccessful as I’m now), is my ability to focus on what’s important.

This has helped me lots in my studies and at work. I had good grades and my superiors tend to be very happy with me. If you know the comic strip Calvin and Hobbs, you’ll understand that it’s sad that I can relate to the life of Suzie Derkins!

The problem is that what’s important to me now, is to try and get that BFP! One could say I’ve completely lost my focus, but I think it has just shifted to this very elusive goal.

Today, I can’t think of anything but tomorrow’s first IUI. After that, the 2ww is unlikely to help me snap out of it for another 14 days. If I do get a BFP, well.. I can only imagine what the 9mw would be like!

I’m going to have to put some serious effort into getting some momentum going at work and in my studies!

I wonder whether this is the reason why girls are generally less successful at their careers?! Especially once that friggin’ biological clock starts ticking like a time bomb?

I’m hoping like crazy I can get my act together at work soon! Judging from my boss’s comments, I’ve still got some credits in my ‘productivity account’ at the moment due to having often worked hard and long hours here over the past two odd years – but for how long?

My previous corporate job made me feel like I’ve run away from home and joined the circus. So before starting ttc, I took a salary cut, got myself a job with a wonderful boss and a much nicer work environment.

In my previous job, I barely got round to seeing a dentist, leave alone an FS. My previous (male) boss used to say, “Just promise me you’re not going to fall pregnant anytime soon..” My new (female) boss has told me before, “I can’t wait for you to have kiddies, because I’m so curious to see whether they’d be more like you or more like your DH..” Yes, I’m sooo lucky – I just need those kiddies now!

I try not to think about this (especially in the 2ww), but all of this means that if I never get to have a LO, I’d be without much of a career and without LOs. Guess I’d better try to make sure I’d still be working for my really nice boss if (God forbid) that were happen.. So I’m really trying to get my scatter-brained thoughts a bit more together this week!

I’m testing on the 30th and writing an exam on the 4th Nov. So if I get that BFP, that will be one of my and the MaybeBaby’s first bonding experiences! Too bad my chances of having the LO by then is most likely a lot less than I’m going to have for that stupid exam..

I’m shooting up Ovidrel tonight, so I was wondering how soon I’ll see a BFP if I pee on an evil little stick – if only because of the trigger?

Thing is, I’m so desperate to see a BFP.. who cares how long the fantasy lasts.

About 3 weeks ago, my mother called to discuss the Christmas family dinner menu. Coming from a huge family, Christmas is always filled with commotion, family celebrations and traditions. In other words, it’s a time of joy and festivities and I usually love it.

But last week I told DH that we should considering ‘skipping’ Christmas for the first time ever by going somewhere on our own. That way I could escape the awkward questions and looks of pity when I play with my adorable little nephews.

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