I’ve learnt many useful things through ‘Afrikaner Christelik Nasionale Onderwys’. (Unlike last year’s matrics, who can apparently barely read and write). Among the many things, we were taught discipline, to follow rules and that hard work could help you to achieve your dreams. Not the dream of having a baby though.

Juffrou Koekemoer took the girls aside in Standard 5 (the teacher who never smiled, wore pants or got married). She akwardly explained that that we shouldn’t fall pregnant as it would ruin our lives. So, we should never stare at a boy’s crotch or go into the boys toilets (you could obviously get it from a toilet seat). We should never wear tank tops or french kiss a boy (whatever that meant)..

By the time DH and I wanted a baby, all I’ve had was lessons on how NOT to get pregnant. I grew up in Bloemfontein, (as in BFN), so maybe you were better off and had some real sex ed?

So how about we share tips on BD (= Baby dancing, or timed sex)? I’ve learnt some embarrasingly simple basics only once we were already struggling for months.

Here goes:

BD Basics:

  • We all know about timing it in the fertile window, I’m sure. DH and I normally try to start between 3 and 5 days prior to ovulation.
  • Don’t use KY jelly. Or strawberry flavoured silicone gel. Or any type of lubricant, spit or concoction, unless it has been specially formulated to not kill sperm.
  • Lying down for at least 5 minutes after sex makes sense. Or for 20 minutes. (How long do you lie down? Or do you just go to sleep afterwards without cleaning up between your legs the way the heroine does in the movies??)
  • Don’t urinate immediately afterwards, or for about ?30 min. My GP told me to always urinate after sex to avoid UTIs. Great advice, but I later learnt not if you’re ttc.
  • The missionary position is an old favourite. If your uterus is retroverted like mine (pointing backwards – the gynae can tell you if it is), try it with the lady lying on her tummy or on all fours (doggie style).
  • Not strictly BD related, but don’t let DH sit on a heated blanket or work with a hot laptop too close to his nuts. Swimmers like being cool

More debatable, but the following could help:

  • Don’t do it standing up. No matter how high DH can squirt his stuff. Don’t do it with the lady on top. Don’t do it with both partners in the Lotus position. Work with gravity. The lady can put a pillow under her hips after sex to try and help those swimmers.
  • Men’s sperm counts apparently tend to be highest in the morning. So if your man’s sperm count is on the low side, it might not be a bad idea to BD in the morning (if you have time and feel like it).
  • Weekly sex generally improves women’s cycles and maybe makes her more fertile.
  • Daily sex improves the quality (motility and morphology) of men’s sperm, but lowers count. Don’t do it every day of the month cause you’ll kill your sex life or kill yourself. However, if your DH has a high count, you could do it every consecutive day for the 2 or 3 days before ovulation.
  • If the woman orgasms, it apparently helps. (My experience is that it doesn’t seem to help, but it is still very worth pursuing.)
  • Men apparently have a higher sperm count when they get it going after being very aroused, rather than just working to get it out. Again, it’s probably worth trying to arouse him anyway.
  • Bearing the two points above in mind, try your best to still enjoy BD and make it romantic. Shave your legs. Brush your teeth. Do whatever it takes to get the flame burning. The typical Afrikaner school of 1992 didn’t teach creativity, but it’s worth trying to learn it now! Google ‘gourmet sex’ for more.

I’m sure that somewhere in the world, at this very moment, a couple is having stand-up sex in a shower, using icy feel lubricant and a condom and she’s still going to fall pregnant. However, if have read up to here, it’s unfortunately unlikely to happen to you.

P.S.: Disclaimer:
If none of the above-mentioned tips work for you, then please don’t blame me. Remember, there’s no crying, cooing, cutesy evidence proving that I know what I’m talking about.

But know that you’re not alone, for these tips have not (yet?) worked for me either and it might all be rubbish. Hmm, maybe I should just put on a tank top, go into the boys toilets and sit down on one of the seats..