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When people ask whether I’m going to give birth ‘naturally’, I have to wonder: What could possibly be natural about pushing your first child out of your (beloved, nice and tight) vajayjay a month before turning 36?!

If Mother Nature had her way, this would surely have been number 10 or number 15, right? Unless of course I died giving birth to one of the previous little tykes. After all, what could be more natural than dying during child birth – an option that was apparently taken by up to a third of women before the dawn of medical science?

If I compare my life to that of Mrs Flintstone, I frankly don’t think I’ve ever done anything that could be labelled ‘100% natural’. Except maybe for getting conceived naturally by my super fertile parents (as opposed to my own artificially conceived little angel), albeit in a bed rather than on a cave floor and possibly involving props and outfits that would have puzzled Mrs Flintstone.

And thanks, but I enjoy modern life. One look at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning makes it perfectly clear that Mother Nature has some pretty cruel intentions.

As for experiencing ‘natural birth’: When I want to feel like a woman, I like to slip on something tiny made of satin, go shopping, or outshine my male colleagues in a male dominated industry. I doubt that crawling around moaning and screaming on the floor during a ‘wonderfully natural’ home birth would make me feel more feminine. (Yes, yes, an epidural and all – but surely you then miss out on the whole primeval ‘natural birth’ experience in any case?).

So could we please stick to the term ‘vaginal birth’ rather than ‘natural birth’? Especially for an elderly prima gravida like myself (a term used by doctors to indicate that you’re having your first kid once you’re way past your prima).

Last point, having looked at studies on the safety of vaginal births when compared to caesars, I’m shocked to see how flawed their methodology is in general. Obviously there are no double-blind random studies, but how could anyone with a brain simply lump all women who had successful vaginal births together and compare this with all women who had caesars and then declare vaginal births the winner? What about those failed traumatic vaginal births that ended in emergency caesars and the high risk pregnancies that necessitated caesars? Also, why are many of these still referenced studies 20 years old?

So am I keen on having a c-sec? Actually, nope.

“Sorry, unfortunately I’m not crazy about the c-sec idea either, Doc. I realize it’s got its own set of drawbacks. Don’t you have any other options that are maybe a bit more ‘Beam me out, Scotty’?”

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Friday I stressed to the gynae that the heartburn and reflux weren’t funny any more!

Sheesh, I was becoming scared to eat, though I’d have reflux even on an empty stomach in any case. I was starting to think it’s only a matter of time before this pregnant dragon spits out a fireball that sets the whole bed/house/office building on fire..

So the doc grabbed his prescription pad and wrote a prescription for Cimetidine.. Ah, bliss!

It’s not as effective as the Losec I take when I’m not pregnant, but still much, much better than using only (litres and litres of) Gaviscon. It’s such a relief to no longer worry that my stomach is going to burn a hole right through me.

And DH instantly pointed out that this is going to work out much cheaper than my current Gaviscon regime..

On Friday, the gynae simply shook his head and said he was giving up on getting a nice picture of our ‘woelwatertjie’.. Every photo was just a blur of activity!

Oh dear, I’m starting to wonder whether LG is going to be bouncing off the walls once she’s a baby too – just in bigger rooms?

“Hey, now listen to mommy, Liefie – a little sleepyhead baby (like mommy was) is way cute too!”

At least the gynae managed to take her measurements and she is right on schedule – 761g and perfect.

I’m writing a UNISA exam on Friday, so maybe when I get to relax more after the exam (not that I really feel stressed out), so will LG. However, since each of the 3 docs who scanned her have commented on her very, very high activity level (ever since her 8w scan), I wonder whether we are in for a bit of a challenge here!

I’m starting to practise saying the following phrase in my sleep: “Your daughter clearly takes after you, Daddy. It’s your turn to get up..”

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