When people ask whether I’m going to give birth ‘naturally’, I have to wonder: What could possibly be natural about pushing your first child out of your (beloved, nice and tight) vajayjay a month before turning 36?!

If Mother Nature had her way, this would surely have been number 10 or number 15, right? Unless of course I died giving birth to one of the previous little tykes. After all, what could be more natural than dying during child birth – an option that was apparently taken by up to a third of women before the dawn of medical science?

If I compare my life to that of Mrs Flintstone, I frankly don’t think I’ve ever done anything that could be labelled ‘100% natural’. Except maybe for getting conceived naturally by my super fertile parents (as opposed to my own artificially conceived little angel), albeit in a bed rather than on a cave floor and possibly involving props and outfits that would have puzzled Mrs Flintstone.

And thanks, but I enjoy modern life. One look at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning makes it perfectly clear that Mother Nature has some pretty cruel intentions.

As for experiencing ‘natural birth’: When I want to feel like a woman, I like to slip on something tiny made of satin, go shopping, or outshine my male colleagues in a male dominated industry. I doubt that crawling around moaning and screaming on the floor during a ‘wonderfully natural’ home birth would make me feel more feminine. (Yes, yes, an epidural and all – but surely you then miss out on the whole primeval ‘natural birth’ experience in any case?).

So could we please stick to the term ‘vaginal birth’ rather than ‘natural birth’? Especially for an elderly prima gravida like myself (a term used by doctors to indicate that you’re having your first kid once you’re way past your prima).

Last point, having looked at studies on the safety of vaginal births when compared to caesars, I’m shocked to see how flawed their methodology is in general. Obviously there are no double-blind random studies, but how could anyone with a brain simply lump all women who had successful vaginal births together and compare this with all women who had caesars and then declare vaginal births the winner? What about those failed traumatic vaginal births that ended in emergency caesars and the high risk pregnancies that necessitated caesars? Also, why are many of these still referenced studies 20 years old?

So am I keen on having a c-sec? Actually, nope.

“Sorry, unfortunately I’m not crazy about the c-sec idea either, Doc. I realize it’s got its own set of drawbacks. Don’t you have any other options that are maybe a bit more ‘Beam me out, Scotty’?”

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