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Here is a list of thoughts that swirl around in the head of a primary IF after a spontaneous positive HPT test when she had already been blessed with a one perfect little baby:

  • This is too good to be true.
  • I’d better not get excited yet.
  • Life is terribly unfair. How could it be my turn again?
  • This could not be happening.
  • Could I ever love another baby with the incredible intensity that I love my first miracle with?
  • My first baby is my little miracle. I’m not prepared for her to have to share that podium with another baby yet.
  • I should not get too excited.
  • How could I not get too excited?!
  • It’s not my turn.
  • Oh no, how could anyone survive morning sicknes and pregnancy while you’re the mom of a baby?
  • I am so incredibly blessed.

This is way too good to be true.

On my way to the bathroom on the 28th of June, I remembered that it was 14 dpo.

Strangely, ovulation only happened on CD20 of this cycle, so it was actually already CD34. The ovulation date diagnosis was maybe a bit iffy, as it was based on characteristic ovulation pain and one ovulation prediction stick that had already expired in 2009.

So rewinding two weeks, back to CD20: I saw that LH surge on the OPK rather late in the evening on the 14th of June. So I walked over to DH, swaying my hips as seductively as I could manage at the time. I was actually quite exhausted and feeling very much not in the mood, as our gorgeous little girl was still happily doing stay-awake-training for parents at night, as had been the case for some time, actually. (And as is still the case, although we finally started countering this week with sleep training for little ones..)

Anyway, I mentioned to DH that there was a ‘target’ for him to shoot at. I said it was either that, or I was making up the target story to get ‘some’. Either way, he wasn’t going to get away! And as always, my awesome DH happily and grandly rose to the occasion. We rather hurriedly ‘made a plan’ not that long before midnight on the bunk bed in the nursery – as LO was asleep (for a change) in the cot in our romantic (hahaha – little joke here) bedroom.

So zooming back to 14 dpo: I went back into the bedroom and rummaged through my cupboard. Luckily I found an HPT that managed to escape the POAS-fest that followed after my previous BFP (at which time I was armed with enough fresh HPTs to test every woman in a small African country).

I went into the bathroom, did the deed and got back into bed to read my baby girl a story. I waved the HPT stick in DH’s direction and said that the test was of course negative, but he had to remember that we’d need patience due to my age, his age, my endo, our IF history, etc., etc., blah, blah..

DH took the stick from me, looked at it and became quiet. “Let me turn up the down lighters for you so you can have a closer look”, he said as he handed the stick back to me.

This time I looked. And there it was. Clear as day. A second line.

When we prepared for bed yesterday, we were excited and relaxed after we had just told my sweet MIL our news. But then.. (TMI coming up).. I started spotting. 😦

My BFP is still like a soap bubble that I stare at in wonder. I barely want to whisper those letters, in case it would make the fragile promise of tiny life vanish.

The FS called me this morning, so we spoke about the situation. Seems there’s not much we can do at this stage but waiting it out and keeping up hope, right?

Beta = 39 = BFP!

So please, please, please beta 2#, if it’s not too much to ask..

It’s so very early still. I’m determined to only tell my family once we’ve seen a heartbeat on a scan. Hopefully just before Christmas!

So yes! Wow! How grateful and in awe could one person be!? Guilty, really, to receive such a blessing on petty IUI #2..

TBH, I’m feeling so emotional. I always thought that getting a BFP would turn one’s tears into joy. While true, I guess one could never forget what you’ve learned on such an incredibly hard journey.

Even if (by God’s grace) today’s happiness grows into a healthy LO, the tears, darkness, unfairness and humiliation of IF and ART will remain a memory etched in my mind.

I’m so hesitant to become excited too soon and thought I should keep this a secret but..

My 4:50 am HPT is the closest thing to a positive I’ve ever seen, or at least squinted at! I’m convinced that if I dismantle it and look at it through my DH’s microscope, a few pink molecules would be clearly visible where that fabled second line is supposed to appear.

It took an hour to get DH awake enough and in a good enough mood to to even look at the test. By then a ringneck dove outside my window was repeatedly blurting out what sounded like: “I-think u-r PREG–NANT” (Admittedly, could also have been “I-think u’re-NOT preg–nant..”)

DH finally had a sceptic look (no microscope involved), went quiet for a few moments and conceded that he could also see a.. a.. he actually called it a ‘second line’! (Not sure I’d go quite that far.) He even instantly fetched the camera and took a few snaps!

Another sample and test (both tests were Clicks brand) at 6:30 am showed the same result.

It’s surely too early for excitement, but whatever the outcome of my beta today – I already have two almost-positive HPTs to hang on my Christmas tree!

I think something that often helped me to be successful in life (meaning as relatively successful/unsuccessful as I’m now), is my ability to focus on what’s important.

This has helped me lots in my studies and at work. I had good grades and my superiors tend to be very happy with me. If you know the comic strip Calvin and Hobbs, you’ll understand that it’s sad that I can relate to the life of Suzie Derkins!

The problem is that what’s important to me now, is to try and get that BFP! One could say I’ve completely lost my focus, but I think it has just shifted to this very elusive goal.

Today, I can’t think of anything but tomorrow’s first IUI. After that, the 2ww is unlikely to help me snap out of it for another 14 days. If I do get a BFP, well.. I can only imagine what the 9mw would be like!

I’m going to have to put some serious effort into getting some momentum going at work and in my studies!

I wonder whether this is the reason why girls are generally less successful at their careers?! Especially once that friggin’ biological clock starts ticking like a time bomb?

I’m hoping like crazy I can get my act together at work soon! Judging from my boss’s comments, I’ve still got some credits in my ‘productivity account’ at the moment due to having often worked hard and long hours here over the past two odd years – but for how long?

My previous corporate job made me feel like I’ve run away from home and joined the circus. So before starting ttc, I took a salary cut, got myself a job with a wonderful boss and a much nicer work environment.

In my previous job, I barely got round to seeing a dentist, leave alone an FS. My previous (male) boss used to say, “Just promise me you’re not going to fall pregnant anytime soon..” My new (female) boss has told me before, “I can’t wait for you to have kiddies, because I’m so curious to see whether they’d be more like you or more like your DH..” Yes, I’m sooo lucky – I just need those kiddies now!

I try not to think about this (especially in the 2ww), but all of this means that if I never get to have a LO, I’d be without much of a career and without LOs. Guess I’d better try to make sure I’d still be working for my really nice boss if (God forbid) that were happen.. So I’m really trying to get my scatter-brained thoughts a bit more together this week!

I’m testing on the 30th and writing an exam on the 4th Nov. So if I get that BFP, that will be one of my and the MaybeBaby’s first bonding experiences! Too bad my chances of having the LO by then is most likely a lot less than I’m going to have for that stupid exam..

I’m shooting up Ovidrel tonight, so I was wondering how soon I’ll see a BFP if I pee on an evil little stick – if only because of the trigger?

Thing is, I’m so desperate to see a BFP.. who cares how long the fantasy lasts.

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