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2nd Beta 72 hours after the first is: 324!

Increased 8 times since Friday.. 😯

I’ll tell my family after the scan, which should be on the 22nd/23rd of Dec.

My plan is to make my parents a Christmas card with their smiling grandchild’s photo on it to break the news. OK, I guess 6 weeks is a bit soon for a smile on the scanned image, but you know what I mean! 😀

Someone sent me this poem today and I’ve been laughing ever since 😀

A Woman’s Poem
He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the s#!t out of him…
Like his mother used to do.

My first ever beta test is spinning in a machine right now!

It’s 14 dpo and I feel totally pregnant. But OK fine, every previous month I’ve felt like just like this – but it was always only a matter of time before AF got onto that menstrual cycle and ran my ass over.

So this morning, DH and I had the following conversation over breakfast:

Me: What if it’s a BFN, as is most likely the case according to the stats?

Him: Hmm, I’ll have to give you a hiding then.

Me: Why would it be my fault?! Surely a BFN might as well be due to your wonky sperm?

Him: I gave it 25 million shots this month. And you? (Hmm, hard to compete with that. I had ‘only’ 4 follies .)

Me: True. But what if none of your boys find the way to those eggies and they’re too silly or proud to ask for directions?

Him: They’ve got GPS.. 😀

He got me there and I was by then laughing too much to even try and think of a comeback line!

Clicks’s HPT is my favourite brand.

I have pee-ed on Dischems too, but I absolutely hate their brand! Their 2 pack has the following line printed on it: “To ease your mind.” 😕

So whenever it’s 2:25am and I’m sitting there in the loo (squinting at the stupid BFN and hoping it will magically transform into a BFP after 20 min) my eye inevitably catches that stupid “ease your mind” line. Boy, then you should see me freak out!

“Ease of whose mind”, you stupid marketer? How could another BFN possibly ease my mind?! In any case, I wouldn’t really know, but I’m sure if it’s a BPF my mind will be spinning even faster..!! Stupid moronic tag line! Bloody BFN! ect. etc.

At least the POAS test was a clever idea! It makes sure that you’ve already pee-ed before getting the result. Just imagine seeing a BPF result on a full bladder.. Man, I’d be soooo wet if that ever happens. 🙂

I’ve learnt many useful things through ‘Afrikaner Christelik Nasionale Onderwys’. (Unlike last year’s matrics, who can apparently barely read and write). Among the many things, we were taught discipline, to follow rules and that hard work could help you to achieve your dreams. Not the dream of having a baby though.

Juffrou Koekemoer took the girls aside in Standard 5 (the teacher who never smiled, wore pants or got married). She akwardly explained that that we shouldn’t fall pregnant as it would ruin our lives. So, we should never stare at a boy’s crotch or go into the boys toilets (you could obviously get it from a toilet seat). We should never wear tank tops or french kiss a boy (whatever that meant)..

By the time DH and I wanted a baby, all I’ve had was lessons on how NOT to get pregnant. I grew up in Bloemfontein, (as in BFN), so maybe you were better off and had some real sex ed?

So how about we share tips on BD (= Baby dancing, or timed sex)? I’ve learnt some embarrasingly simple basics only once we were already struggling for months.

Here goes:

BD Basics:

  • We all know about timing it in the fertile window, I’m sure. DH and I normally try to start between 3 and 5 days prior to ovulation.
  • Don’t use KY jelly. Or strawberry flavoured silicone gel. Or any type of lubricant, spit or concoction, unless it has been specially formulated to not kill sperm.
  • Lying down for at least 5 minutes after sex makes sense. Or for 20 minutes. (How long do you lie down? Or do you just go to sleep afterwards without cleaning up between your legs the way the heroine does in the movies??)
  • Don’t urinate immediately afterwards, or for about ?30 min. My GP told me to always urinate after sex to avoid UTIs. Great advice, but I later learnt not if you’re ttc.
  • The missionary position is an old favourite. If your uterus is retroverted like mine (pointing backwards – the gynae can tell you if it is), try it with the lady lying on her tummy or on all fours (doggie style).
  • Not strictly BD related, but don’t let DH sit on a heated blanket or work with a hot laptop too close to his nuts. Swimmers like being cool

More debatable, but the following could help:

  • Don’t do it standing up. No matter how high DH can squirt his stuff. Don’t do it with the lady on top. Don’t do it with both partners in the Lotus position. Work with gravity. The lady can put a pillow under her hips after sex to try and help those swimmers.
  • Men’s sperm counts apparently tend to be highest in the morning. So if your man’s sperm count is on the low side, it might not be a bad idea to BD in the morning (if you have time and feel like it).
  • Weekly sex generally improves women’s cycles and maybe makes her more fertile.
  • Daily sex improves the quality (motility and morphology) of men’s sperm, but lowers count. Don’t do it every day of the month cause you’ll kill your sex life or kill yourself. However, if your DH has a high count, you could do it every consecutive day for the 2 or 3 days before ovulation.
  • If the woman orgasms, it apparently helps. (My experience is that it doesn’t seem to help, but it is still very worth pursuing.)
  • Men apparently have a higher sperm count when they get it going after being very aroused, rather than just working to get it out. Again, it’s probably worth trying to arouse him anyway.
  • Bearing the two points above in mind, try your best to still enjoy BD and make it romantic. Shave your legs. Brush your teeth. Do whatever it takes to get the flame burning. The typical Afrikaner school of 1992 didn’t teach creativity, but it’s worth trying to learn it now! Google ‘gourmet sex’ for more.

I’m sure that somewhere in the world, at this very moment, a couple is having stand-up sex in a shower, using icy feel lubricant and a condom and she’s still going to fall pregnant. However, if have read up to here, it’s unfortunately unlikely to happen to you.

P.S.: Disclaimer:
If none of the above-mentioned tips work for you, then please don’t blame me. Remember, there’s no crying, cooing, cutesy evidence proving that I know what I’m talking about.

But know that you’re not alone, for these tips have not (yet?) worked for me either and it might all be rubbish. Hmm, maybe I should just put on a tank top, go into the boys toilets and sit down on one of the seats..

As I woke up today, I lay there on my 35-year old, IF butt thinking that there’s not much to celebrate when you turn 35 while the nursery is still empty. 😦

But then I heard my loving DH in the kitching, fixing me breakfast (as he does everyday). I thought about having a house, a warm bed, a good enough job..

What’s more, this is the era of cool technology, Prozac, the WonderBra, the world wide web, comfy office jobs, anti-wrinkle night cream and KFC’s chocolate brownie avalance! To mention only a few of the blessings and conviences of modern life. And yes, let’s also hear it for ART and IVF!

So here’s to celebrating life today! With all its joys & blessings and despite its sorrows. 🙂

I can’t help wondering: why do girls need one egg, but guys need 10 million sperms – or better yet, 100 million. That’s like a gazillion little swimmers to get one really small job done!!

Typical. Show-offs..! 😉

OK, to be fair, we ladies do play a bit hard to get!

After my lap, DH asked whether the FS couldn’t have helped a brother out by making those damned tubes a bit shorter..

(Hehehe, just a bit of Friday nonsense. Not intended to insult any guys, least of all my wonderful DH.)


August 2020