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The gynae is very happy with me and ‘babaliefie’ #2 – we saw the doc today at 14 weeks (what?? 14w already??).

Baby weighs almost 100g and is well on track.

I’m so, so grateful. So grateful that all is well with my precious LO #2 and with my beloved LO #1, that I get to look forward to the birth of this small little miracle, that my DH is such a wonderful hubby and daddy and frankly, I’m grateful to think I will most likely never need to survive the stress of another 1st trimester again.

I arrived for my appointment a little early and the gynae could see me early too, so it was a lovely, long scan. Baby was kicking his feet and showing that ?he’s doing well, but also seemed to try and show his tired mommy that he has a relaxed, laid-back attitude. (Unlike his sister who could never stop somersaulting and showing off during any of her scans! We could never even get a proper peek at her gender till the 20-week scan. And she still very seldom stays asleep for more than 4 or 5 hours at a stretch.)

The gynae had fun playing with his new 4D scan equipment, so it was awesome.

I always feel a bit as if I’m secretly spying on one of the greatest miracles in life during a scan, almost like I’m entering a sacred sanctuary where human eyes weren’t meant to pry. We’re so fortunate to be able to have such experiences.

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This year we spent our first Christmas with our LO and what a magical Christmas it was.

What a blessing it was to sit next to the Christmas tree with my baby angel in my arms, her little face lit by the lights on the tree and the colourful decorations.

I have received lovely gifts during Christmas and during my lifetime, but my beautiful baby angel was the greatest, most precious gift one could ever receive. I am so grateful.

Today exactly a year ago, I stared at a home pregnancy test in disbelief – and that was the start of a whole new adventure! It was a year ago, it was yesterday – and of course more than a lifetime ago for my baby girl.

Aah, my eyes still mist up when I think back of that joy-filled day. (You’ll find more on that day here on my blog: day I tested positive )

It’s only a year later, but now I get to hold the most precious little ‘babaliefie’ in my arms every day (and every night of course – ha! …time I used to spend on boring old sleep..).

Last year on this day she was but a fragile dream, like a soap bubble you stare at in wonder. Now she’s a beautiful baby girl bouncing on my knee. How times have changed! Of course, of course, parenthood is hard too.. Yes, yes, but it remains the most amazing and fulfilling thing ever.

I will remain eternally grateful.

Just a few days prior to that positive pregnancy test (it was during the 2ww) I penned a poem:

we’ll frame our laughter
next to nana’s bed
we’ll show you the world
from the top of Lion’s head

we’ll giggle at penguins
fly kites on the beach
there’s so much to learn, my little one,
there’s so much to teach

and there’ll be candles at birthdays
and ducks in the bath
a night light and Lego
and picnics and parties
and ice cream
and…

if only you’d stay with me
it would be so much fun, you’d see

us three
your daddy, me
and you

And she stayed.

Today my thoughts keep skipping back to this day last year.

As I left the FS’s office a year ago, those monthly disappointments were suddenly no longer just bad luck. It was called IF. I could no longer make myself believe that nothing was wrong. The FS’s scan and (invasive) exam gave away the endometrioma and other nodules that were most likely severe endo.

I went home to pack my hospital bag as we had scheduled the lap two days later. (In the hope of avoiding another horrible episode of ovarian torsion.) Would my hope of someday holding our baby remain a dream? There was no way of knowing.

Today I wonder whether I would have reached this current happy space if I started popping babies the moment I first thought I felt ready? Or what would have happened if I could have peeked at the happy ending of the chapter rather than having had to battle through those fears and the feelings of failure and loss?

Would I have been as grateful for the little blessing growing, kicking and hiccupping in my tummy? Would I have appreciated my wonderful DH as much? Would I have been as amazed at the wonder and fragility of a tiny new life?

Or would I (like my mom, I guess) possibly have viewed pregnancy and childbearing as little more than divine punishment for Eve’s mistakes?

I believe that there are journeys and nightmares in this life that could never make sense to us while we’re on this earth. Yet today, as I look back, I know that things have worked together for good – for me, my DH and my little ‘meisiekind’. I have such a grateful and humble heart.

As I look back at IF from the ‘other side’, one immense sadness remains: knowledge and understanding (at least to some extent, since I’ve ‘only’ had to walk the ttc road for 18 months) of the pain of those who are still waiting..

Our ‘meisiekind’ now weighs over 500g and the doc says all is looking 100% normal.

However, to me as subjective mommy all is looking totally amazing!

LG’s got the most beautiful little muscular calves and quads. I’m not surprised, because the ‘woelwater’ is exercising them all the time – a constant tiny butterfly in my tummy.

I’ll be at 23 weeks on Saturday (day after tomorrow).

It still seems like a dream and I’m in awe of the technology that allows us peeks into the private little sanctuary of our little miracle. I have such a grateful heart.

Our ‘babaliefie’ is well on track – actually slightly bigger than you’d expect at 10w3d.

I’m still constantly replaying the lovely sound of that little heartbeat (168 bpm) in my head.

Baby was showing off while mommy and daddy stole that scanned peek at him/her, little arms waving and little legs wiggling. The FS said it was a good sign that our LO was so active and playful, since it told us that he/she was probably feeling energetic and healthy.

We’re so grateful. Another delicate memory for my heart’s treasure trove.

After a terrifying week of bleeding and spotting, we saw one beautiful, strong heartbeat today! Little bean is on track and DH and I am overjoyed!

I called my FS (he’s already on holiday) last Saturday, totally panicky after my 6w scan showed a 5.1 mm bean without a heartbeat. According to lots of texts on the internet, this gets classified as a ‘missed miscarrriage’. My FS said not to worry: the little beans don’t read the textbooks and are known to do their own thing. I’m so grateful that he was right!

Today’s temporary FS (vd Merwe at VP) said I’m likely to see a lot more red in the coming weeks due to the little lost twin and I shouldn’t worry too much if it happens. I should just take things easy.

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