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Here is a list of thoughts that swirl around in the head of a primary IF after a spontaneous positive HPT test when she had already been blessed with a one perfect little baby:

  • This is too good to be true.
  • I’d better not get excited yet.
  • Life is terribly unfair. How could it be my turn again?
  • This could not be happening.
  • Could I ever love another baby with the incredible intensity that I love my first miracle with?
  • My first baby is my little miracle. I’m not prepared for her to have to share that podium with another baby yet.
  • I should not get too excited.
  • How could I not get too excited?!
  • It’s not my turn.
  • Oh no, how could anyone survive morning sicknes and pregnancy while you’re the mom of a baby?
  • I am so incredibly blessed.

This is way too good to be true.

On my way to the bathroom on the 28th of June, I remembered that it was 14 dpo.

Strangely, ovulation only happened on CD20 of this cycle, so it was actually already CD34. The ovulation date diagnosis was maybe a bit iffy, as it was based on characteristic ovulation pain and one ovulation prediction stick that had already expired in 2009.

So rewinding two weeks, back to CD20: I saw that LH surge on the OPK rather late in the evening on the 14th of June. So I walked over to DH, swaying my hips as seductively as I could manage at the time. I was actually quite exhausted and feeling very much not in the mood, as our gorgeous little girl was still happily doing stay-awake-training for parents at night, as had been the case for some time, actually. (And as is still the case, although we finally started countering this week with sleep training for little ones..)

Anyway, I mentioned to DH that there was a ‘target’ for him to shoot at. I said it was either that, or I was making up the target story to get ‘some’. Either way, he wasn’t going to get away! And as always, my awesome DH happily and grandly rose to the occasion. We rather hurriedly ‘made a plan’ not that long before midnight on the bunk bed in the nursery – as LO was asleep (for a change) in the cot in our romantic (hahaha – little joke here) bedroom.

So zooming back to 14 dpo: I went back into the bedroom and rummaged through my cupboard. Luckily I found an HPT that managed to escape the POAS-fest that followed after my previous BFP (at which time I was armed with enough fresh HPTs to test every woman in a small African country).

I went into the bathroom, did the deed and got back into bed to read my baby girl a story. I waved the HPT stick in DH’s direction and said that the test was of course negative, but he had to remember that we’d need patience due to my age, his age, my endo, our IF history, etc., etc., blah, blah..

DH took the stick from me, looked at it and became quiet. “Let me turn up the down lighters for you so you can have a closer look”, he said as he handed the stick back to me.

This time I looked. And there it was. Clear as day. A second line.

Today exactly a year ago, I stared at a home pregnancy test in disbelief – and that was the start of a whole new adventure! It was a year ago, it was yesterday – and of course more than a lifetime ago for my baby girl.

Aah, my eyes still mist up when I think back of that joy-filled day. (You’ll find more on that day here on my blog: day I tested positive )

It’s only a year later, but now I get to hold the most precious little ‘babaliefie’ in my arms every day (and every night of course – ha! …time I used to spend on boring old sleep..).

Last year on this day she was but a fragile dream, like a soap bubble you stare at in wonder. Now she’s a beautiful baby girl bouncing on my knee. How times have changed! Of course, of course, parenthood is hard too.. Yes, yes, but it remains the most amazing and fulfilling thing ever.

I will remain eternally grateful.

Just a few days prior to that positive pregnancy test (it was during the 2ww) I penned a poem:

we’ll frame our laughter
next to nana’s bed
we’ll show you the world
from the top of Lion’s head

we’ll giggle at penguins
fly kites on the beach
there’s so much to learn, my little one,
there’s so much to teach

and there’ll be candles at birthdays
and ducks in the bath
a night light and Lego
and picnics and parties
and ice cream
and…

if only you’d stay with me
it would be so much fun, you’d see

us three
your daddy, me
and you

And she stayed.

Phew, ever feel like you’re not gonna survive the 2ww this time round?

I’ve been fine on Clomid, the Ovidrel didn’t bother me, but I those damned Utrogestan tabs.. Ever since I first saw those pills, I’ve been ravenously hungry and thirsty. By now, I’m both nauseous and hungry most of the time.

I have heartburn, but maybe that’s because I’m constantly craving (and devouring) olives, capers and the vinegar pickle they come in. Yesterday I left home late for work, but still had to stop to pick up yet another jar of olives on my way to work. I finished half of it before I even reached the office. (Without getting too much oil on my steering wheel, I’m proud to say.)

I POAS this morning at 11 dpo. And it’s just too early, right? Right?

I’ve already got my luckiest panty laid out for when I go for the beta on Friday, but to be honest: if my chances are 15% for this IUI cycle (let’s be optimistic and forget about my age!), it’s still easier to imagine 85% happening than 15%!

It breaks my heart when my DH prays every night that I be pregnant by Christmas so we can have a happy time with the family.

Clicks’s HPT is my favourite brand.

I have pee-ed on Dischems too, but I absolutely hate their brand! Their 2 pack has the following line printed on it: “To ease your mind.” 😕

So whenever it’s 2:25am and I’m sitting there in the loo (squinting at the stupid BFN and hoping it will magically transform into a BFP after 20 min) my eye inevitably catches that stupid “ease your mind” line. Boy, then you should see me freak out!

“Ease of whose mind”, you stupid marketer? How could another BFN possibly ease my mind?! In any case, I wouldn’t really know, but I’m sure if it’s a BPF my mind will be spinning even faster..!! Stupid moronic tag line! Bloody BFN! ect. etc.

At least the POAS test was a clever idea! It makes sure that you’ve already pee-ed before getting the result. Just imagine seeing a BPF result on a full bladder.. Man, I’d be soooo wet if that ever happens. 🙂

So when am I testing?

Friday. Or maybe rather on Sunday. Or maybe I should test right now! Or maybe never.. 😕

Friday or Saturday is probably 14 dpo – I tested with an ovulation prediction kit. But it’s a shorter cycle than usual, so I was only expecting AF on Monday.

I feel like putting up a sign on the door: Gone out of my mind. Back after the 2ww.

I don’t feel pregnant, but my boobs did go unbelievably huge! (I mean for someone wearing a 32B, that is. So I’m not actally bragging here.)

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