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After a wonderful December holiday, I’ve had to put on my big girl panties for 2012! (And not only due to my mother’s excellent cooking or my growing preggie belly..)

I’ve now been a single, pregnant (33 weeks at the moment), working mom for more than 2 weeks. Do I need to mention that it’s been tough? Fortunately my sweet MIL is soon coming to stay with me. We get along very well and my little girl adores her.

Looking at December photies of my ‘baby’, I realized that I my chubby little baby angel is no longer. She is now a delightful, lively little girl and of course at times a real handful!

My little lady (10 December):

The only bike I ever want to see her on! (10 December):

Surf’s up! Loving the ocean.

Bye, bye, my darling baby angel. Hello, sweet little lady.

Shame, my little darling is missing her daddy terribly and keeps on asking where he is. There’s a sadness in her little soul and I suppose she doesn’t know whether she’ll ever see him again.

I miss him so much too.

Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
– from Les Miserables

I have so many posts in my head, but whenever I sit down in front of my home computer, a pair of tiny hands find their way unto my keyboard and starts ‘helping’ with the typing. I’ve actually had to restart the poor confused machine once or twice after my little angel enthusiastically tried to help mommy write emails.

I hope to soon (enough) tell more in a next post of how DH and I are reinventing our lives this year. Some tough times ahead, some exciting times ahead..

All the best to you all for a fabulous 2012.


Note: I’m cheating by publishing this post-dated post 6 weeks late..


Sorry for being so quiet! Life is a little hectic at the moment. I write a pretty stressful exam next week. My little girl is now an absolutely delightfully lively and inquisitive toddler – who still wakes up an average of twice per night. We’re busy with final negotiations that will probably lead to us relocating to Polokwane in January. And then there’s work too, although I’m hoping to become a SAHM in Polokwane next year! Yay!

So to be honest, I barely have time to remember that I’m pregnant! Apart from the pregnancy symptoms and the fact that I sometimes need to use crutches to get around due to PGP (which is pretty embarrassing as I’m normally very active; also, I don’t even have a bump yet!).

My darling little boy has in the past week started kicking and wiggling to help remind me to dream of him and start loving him, which is wonderful! “I’m here too, mommy! Meeting you all is going to be awesome!”

His growth was on the 50th percentile at the last scan. The scan went fine.. until the doc said not to worry about it at the moment, but LB has bilateral 5mm choroid plexus cysts in his tiny brain. Well, who would ever worry about cysts in their baby’s brain?!!

My research on this showed that all is truly likely to be absolutely fine, although he has an increased risk of having trisomy 18 (which would make survival beyond his first year unlikely). I decided to try and not entertain that thought until our next FAS appointment in November. In my heart, I really believe that our little miracle will be fine.

Phew, I really can’t complain about being bored at the moment – lots of challenges and adventures await me and my family. It’s stressful, but it also makes me feel very alive.

Today my thoughts keep skipping back to this day last year.

As I left the FS’s office a year ago, those monthly disappointments were suddenly no longer just bad luck. It was called IF. I could no longer make myself believe that nothing was wrong. The FS’s scan and (invasive) exam gave away the endometrioma and other nodules that were most likely severe endo.

I went home to pack my hospital bag as we had scheduled the lap two days later. (In the hope of avoiding another horrible episode of ovarian torsion.) Would my hope of someday holding our baby remain a dream? There was no way of knowing.

Today I wonder whether I would have reached this current happy space if I started popping babies the moment I first thought I felt ready? Or what would have happened if I could have peeked at the happy ending of the chapter rather than having had to battle through those fears and the feelings of failure and loss?

Would I have been as grateful for the little blessing growing, kicking and hiccupping in my tummy? Would I have appreciated my wonderful DH as much? Would I have been as amazed at the wonder and fragility of a tiny new life?

Or would I (like my mom, I guess) possibly have viewed pregnancy and childbearing as little more than divine punishment for Eve’s mistakes?

I believe that there are journeys and nightmares in this life that could never make sense to us while we’re on this earth. Yet today, as I look back, I know that things have worked together for good – for me, my DH and my little ‘meisiekind’. I have such a grateful and humble heart.

As I look back at IF from the ‘other side’, one immense sadness remains: knowledge and understanding (at least to some extent, since I’ve ‘only’ had to walk the ttc road for 18 months) of the pain of those who are still waiting..

LO was peacefully asleep at the start of today’s scan, allowing the doc to get a good look at my perfect little girl. I held my breath as I saw her lying dead still at first! However, she soon awoke and was her normal playful self, waving, dancing and amusing herself with the cord.

My thoughts are filled with dreams of my little angel. I constantly dream up new ideas for her nursery and our life together. Too bad we only have one room to decorate! Choices, choices..

I have overnight turned into one of those glowing, energetic preggy women I could only admire during the m/s weeks. I still wear ‘normal clothes’ most of the time, but I’m sure I’ll wake up with a proper bump any day now.

DH looks more excited by the day. It melts my heart when he speaks of his dreams, as he puts a laminated wooden floor in the nursery, makes baby furniture, plans how we’ll bath her, etc.

He says the sweetest things, like: “If I pave this part of the lawn, she’ll have some nice space for riding her bike some day..”

We’re so blessed.

Just had to go one more time, although the FS didn’t request another beta after #2.

Beta #3 on 17 dpo is 1001, so basically tripled since Monday. It’s so amazing to see the rise plotted on my DH’s excel spreadsheet and I’m feeling reassured and relieved. (DH is keeping another graph on my weight – pasted above the bathroom scale, since he wants to plot how his wife goes totally fat.. 😀 )

FS says it’s going very well and I can stop going for betas now, since I’m not a lab experiment after all. Yeah right! He clearly doesn’t know my lab rat DH too well!

P.S. It’s all still a dream and I can’t believe it is happening.

2nd Beta 72 hours after the first is: 324!

Increased 8 times since Friday.. 😯

I’ll tell my family after the scan, which should be on the 22nd/23rd of Dec.

My plan is to make my parents a Christmas card with their smiling grandchild’s photo on it to break the news. OK, I guess 6 weeks is a bit soon for a smile on the scanned image, but you know what I mean! 😀

I’m so hesitant to become excited too soon and thought I should keep this a secret but..

My 4:50 am HPT is the closest thing to a positive I’ve ever seen, or at least squinted at! I’m convinced that if I dismantle it and look at it through my DH’s microscope, a few pink molecules would be clearly visible where that fabled second line is supposed to appear.

It took an hour to get DH awake enough and in a good enough mood to to even look at the test. By then a ringneck dove outside my window was repeatedly blurting out what sounded like: “I-think u-r PREG–NANT” (Admittedly, could also have been “I-think u’re-NOT preg–nant..”)

DH finally had a sceptic look (no microscope involved), went quiet for a few moments and conceded that he could also see a.. a.. he actually called it a ‘second line’! (Not sure I’d go quite that far.) He even instantly fetched the camera and took a few snaps!

Another sample and test (both tests were Clicks brand) at 6:30 am showed the same result.

It’s surely too early for excitement, but whatever the outcome of my beta today – I already have two almost-positive HPTs to hang on my Christmas tree!

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