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When people ask whether I’m going to give birth ‘naturally’, I have to wonder: What could possibly be natural about pushing your first child out of your (beloved, nice and tight) vajayjay a month before turning 36?!

If Mother Nature had her way, this would surely have been number 10 or number 15, right? Unless of course I died giving birth to one of the previous little tykes. After all, what could be more natural than dying during child birth – an option that was apparently taken by up to a third of women before the dawn of medical science?

If I compare my life to that of Mrs Flintstone, I frankly don’t think I’ve ever done anything that could be labelled ‘100% natural’. Except maybe for getting conceived naturally by my super fertile parents (as opposed to my own artificially conceived little angel), albeit in a bed rather than on a cave floor and possibly involving props and outfits that would have puzzled Mrs Flintstone.

And thanks, but I enjoy modern life. One look at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning makes it perfectly clear that Mother Nature has some pretty cruel intentions.

As for experiencing ‘natural birth’: When I want to feel like a woman, I like to slip on something tiny made of satin, go shopping, or outshine my male colleagues in a male dominated industry. I doubt that crawling around moaning and screaming on the floor during a ‘wonderfully natural’ home birth would make me feel more feminine. (Yes, yes, an epidural and all – but surely you then miss out on the whole primeval ‘natural birth’ experience in any case?).

So could we please stick to the term ‘vaginal birth’ rather than ‘natural birth’? Especially for an elderly prima gravida like myself (a term used by doctors to indicate that you’re having your first kid once you’re way past your prima).

Last point, having looked at studies on the safety of vaginal births when compared to caesars, I’m shocked to see how flawed their methodology is in general. Obviously there are no double-blind random studies, but how could anyone with a brain simply lump all women who had successful vaginal births together and compare this with all women who had caesars and then declare vaginal births the winner? What about those failed traumatic vaginal births that ended in emergency caesars and the high risk pregnancies that necessitated caesars? Also, why are many of these still referenced studies 20 years old?

So am I keen on having a c-sec? Actually, nope.

“Sorry, unfortunately I’m not crazy about the c-sec idea either, Doc. I realize it’s got its own set of drawbacks. Don’t you have any other options that are maybe a bit more ‘Beam me out, Scotty’?”

What I’d like to know is this: Forty years have passed since mankind’s first steps on the moon. We have cellphones, smartphones, iPods, iPads and wheels on our luggage. There are skyscrapers with hundreds of floors and the Arabs have ski resorts in the desert.

Yet there’s still no cure for morning sickness?! You’ve got to be kidding! Speaking of which, Vomifene is a bad joke – it knocks me out for an hour or two, but then I wake up nauseous again. So it doesn’t even help me to get some proper sleep.

It is too much to ask for some safe miracle drug? Wthout any side-effects. Thoroughly tested and guaranteed to not have any effects on my kiddie. Hmm, or his/her children.. or his/her children’s children?

Why is still called morning sickness anyway? We might as well still refer to the Titanic as ‘unsinkable’. I certainly find it unbearable 24/7, although it is admittedly even worse every morning.

Yep, at 14 weeks I’m still not getting a break. After this morning’s puking session I had enough. I called work and told them I’m taking annual leave this whole week and that’s it. I’ve taken five or six days of sick leave up to now, scattered over the past few weeks, but how lame is to call in sick at 10:30 with morning sickness?? (It begs the question, why not drag your ass over here for the afternoon shift, at least?)

Workwise, it doesn’t seem better to take anti-nausea meds that basically shuts down most brain centers (apart from the nausea centre), yet activates the sleep centre..

Thank goodness for rice, bananas and Hillcrest’s frozen raspberries. Without these wonder foods, I don’t know how I’d have survived. Ginger, mint, toast.. ugh – by now I feel like puking just thinking of those..

Sorry for this ungracious vent. 😦 I’m sure the end is in sight, right?

I always envied pregnant women their nausea, since I thought it would be so wonderful to be and feel pregnant. I really don’t want to sound ungrateful! But by now I would actually not mind feeling a bit human again.

I can’t help wondering: why do girls need one egg, but guys need 10 million sperms – or better yet, 100 million. That’s like a gazillion little swimmers to get one really small job done!!

Typical. Show-offs..! 😉

OK, to be fair, we ladies do play a bit hard to get!

After my lap, DH asked whether the FS couldn’t have helped a brother out by making those damned tubes a bit shorter..

(Hehehe, just a bit of Friday nonsense. Not intended to insult any guys, least of all my wonderful DH.)

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