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So when am I testing?

Friday. Or maybe rather on Sunday. Or maybe I should test right now! Or maybe never.. 😕

Friday or Saturday is probably 14 dpo – I tested with an ovulation prediction kit. But it’s a shorter cycle than usual, so I was only expecting AF on Monday.

I feel like putting up a sign on the door: Gone out of my mind. Back after the 2ww.

I don’t feel pregnant, but my boobs did go unbelievably huge! (I mean for someone wearing a 32B, that is. So I’m not actally bragging here.)

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A friend who is also struggling with IF recently posted the following:

I’ve had to hear how ‘clever’ my SIL is because she managed to fall pregnant, and give birth! CLEVER

CLEVER? Seriously??!!

Ask any teenage mother putting up a LO for adoption whether she conceived due to being so incredibly clever.

Round up all the women in the world with between 10 and 30 kiddies. Count how many of them are rocket scientists.

Oh man, I’m so sorry you had to listen to such an idiotic comment while you’re in such a difficult place, dear friend. 😦

Someone told me today that she’s pregnant and that it only took 3 months of ttc – “that happened rather quickly, wouldn’t you say”, was her words.

Considering that I’m sure she knows by now that I’m IF and also considering that her sister apparently had an m/c that destroyed her (the sister’s) marriage, I really expected her to be a bit more sensitive on this topic.

I obviously smiled, congratulated her and said her how cool it was.

However, I couldn’t help thinking: “Well, I can still become pregnant, but you won’t become any smarter or prettier..”

Why is it that people are somehow allowed to brag about how quickly they’ve been able to conceive (or in some cases spawned offspring), yet it’s frowned upon to brag about most of one’s other innate or acquired abilities?

Shame, she is actually rather sweet and I can’t help feeling happy for her. Truth is that she is probably not the smartest cookie around. I guess she’s really just a bit clueless and didn’t mean to ‘rub my nose in it’.

Ai, if only I can get that BFP next time I test it would be so much easier to cope with yet another upcoming baby shower.. At work, we’ve already had 2 cases of paternity leave in a team of 15 in the past 2 months. And another just a few months before that. Ugh, it’s getting on my nerves!

When I first told Mom about my IF, she said she totally knew how I felt, since she and my dad also had ‘lots of issues that could have made them IF’ and she really worried about ttc too.

She then pointed out that despite these, it took her only 3 months to conceive my oldest brother, of course. Ah, and we’re 5 kids in total so they didn’t do too badly in the end.

Cool. Thanks for listening and understanding, Mom..

I’m trying to remain in the closet, but I think lots of people have by now peeked in there and spotted me inside in any case.

I tell my colleagues and friends that “we don’t feel ready yet..”. How lame is that?! Everbody knows that I’ve previously worked as a paediatric therapist before, that we’ve been married 3 1/2 years and that I adore kids..

My boss knows – but I think she’s an ex-IF who had her kids at 37 and 43. I’ve told her about my m/c last Feb – something I didn’t have the guts to tell anyone else. She’s amazing and I’m so fortunate to work for her.

I’ve told my best friend (she has 2 beautiful girls) and have been regretting it ever since. We used to call each other every week and had a nice ‘kuier’ every other week. She is a very compassionate person and I think avoids me a bit nowadays to avoid the sadness she feels for me and DH. I do my best to chat about nice and cheerful things when we do meet up. That does seem to help a bit.

I’ve told my mother so that she would stop her scathing remarks, “Why are you waiting so long?? ..the sand in your hourglass is probably gone by now..” She’s making an effort to be nice about this now, even if she still ends up saying hopelessly insensitive things in the process.

Being infertile is probably just damned hard, whether you tell people or not.

I’m still not really sure what happened. It was after 8 months of ttc..

It was the first month I used an ovulation prediction kit. After getting the surge, we had giggling, optimistic BD.

Lo and behold, AF didn’t come as per schedule. Up to then, she’s never been more than 3 or 4 days late in the previous 20 years.

My luteal phase was holding out, holding out.. DH was starting to look really happy and went out to buy some of the sweetest little baby clothes. I was sending him e-mails and love from me and the MaybeBaby.

We were still worried, since the HPTs didn’t want to play along. My GP wasn’t too worried though. She said she had a woman that same week whose bloods only turned positive at week 6..

I started feeling 100% pregnant: I would wake up twice in the night to go pee. I felt emotional, weepy and got hopping, steaming mad at anybody who did anything as ‘terrible’ as say, parking badly and across two spaces. I would unbutton the top button of my jeans when nobody was looking.

Then, on day 25 of my luteal phase (CD 39 only), it was DH’s birthday. I was hoping to surprise him with a positive blood test that day..

Instead, AF turned up. It was horrible and I was doubled over in agony all night and all day. I called in sick and spent the day (Friday) and the weekend in bed with a hot water bottle, bawling my eyes out.

Who knows what went wrong? Why didn’t I ever test positive? Will it happen again? Does my body not make it possible for a LO to implant properly? I mentioned to my FS that I think I’ve had an m/c, but he didn’t have answers as to why I didn’t test positive.

It’s hard to mourn the loss of a little one that was maybe not even ever there.

On the other hand, I’ve been doing a little bit of that every month since we’ve started ttc in any case.

As I woke up today, I lay there on my 35-year old, IF butt thinking that there’s not much to celebrate when you turn 35 while the nursery is still empty. 😦

But then I heard my loving DH in the kitching, fixing me breakfast (as he does everyday). I thought about having a house, a warm bed, a good enough job..

What’s more, this is the era of cool technology, Prozac, the WonderBra, the world wide web, comfy office jobs, anti-wrinkle night cream and KFC’s chocolate brownie avalance! To mention only a few of the blessings and conviences of modern life. And yes, let’s also hear it for ART and IVF!

So here’s to celebrating life today! With all its joys & blessings and despite its sorrows. 🙂

I can’t help wondering: why do girls need one egg, but guys need 10 million sperms – or better yet, 100 million. That’s like a gazillion little swimmers to get one really small job done!!

Typical. Show-offs..! 😉

OK, to be fair, we ladies do play a bit hard to get!

After my lap, DH asked whether the FS couldn’t have helped a brother out by making those damned tubes a bit shorter..

(Hehehe, just a bit of Friday nonsense. Not intended to insult any guys, least of all my wonderful DH.)

I found the following article about menstrual cycle characteristics pretty interesting: Menstrual Cycle Length could be a Marker for Ovarian Reserve in Patients Undergoing IVF

It says that women with longer cycles may have better IVF results. Also, having 5 or more days of bleeding before a cycle is best in terms of pregnancy outcome.

However, other studies on the same subject have found no relationship between menstrual cycle characteristics and IVF outcome – so please don’t be discouraged if your cycles are shorter and/or you have less bleed days!

But if this is you, then feel free to be encouraged!

I’ve noticed that a few of us have posted on longer cycles recently – OK, it usually lead to disappointment when AF finally started, but maybe we’ll have better luck with the next cycle!

Sorry if TMI, but here’s my details: my cycles are a bit longer than normal, usually 29-32 days, but I often bleed for only 3 days. Strangely, I suspect my luteal phase is longer than normal having tested with ovulation kits – up to as much as 18 days long. That seems very unusual, but not necessarily bad, I hope.

I usually had a day or two of brown spotting before AF, but since the removal of endo + endometrioma, it’s been red from the start. That must be a good sign, I’m sure.

Jip, this is possibly me over-analyzing everything, eager to find reasons why the next month will be The One!

I’ve passed the 3-day FSH, LH, TSH and prolactin tests

Having failed so many pregnancy tests and after being dx’ed with endo, it’s so nice to at least pass something!

I do remain a bit worried about ovarian reserve and wish the FS wanted this checked too (AMH). Recent studies have shown that ovarian reserve can take quite a knock during removal of an endometrioma (chocolate cyst). Also, my ‘expiry date’ is looming large as I’m turning (the dreaded) 35 in the next two weeks.

Oh well, since the FS doesn’t seem worried about this, I’m trying to relax about it too.

I’m not sure why the FS bothered to test prolactin though – I don’t even have any boobs unless I wear a WonderBra (mankind’s biggest invention..) 😉

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